How can an elected government fill its own pockets with the money of the people whom elect it, but remain in office and popular? It's simpler than you think - and even when we tell you how, it won't make a tap of difference! You don't even have to rig the elections, just bear the following points in mind:

1. We make the rules - to suit ourselves. There is no bill of rights, and the Victorian Constitution can be changed by an act of Parliament. When a law gets in your way, change it.

2. Keep the media compliant. Make friends with the moguls, and revile the journalists. Encourage inaccurate reporting, then take legal actions against offenders. Big settlements out of court makes the media appear more hostile than it is - and legitimises what might otherwise be called bribery. Keep the journos running scared, and even the 'critical' press won't risk offending you.

3. Maintain close ties with big business and developers. Good for image, good for ego, good for bank balance.

4. Sell the assets - keeps the money rolling in. Basically, it is much like selling your house to throw a party, but it’s a short term easy way to balance the budget. Makes money for mates, and they'll call it sound financial management. Kickbacks follow.

5. Build things. Charge people to use them. Makes loads of money for mates, and 'user pays' sounds socially progressive. Building massive freeways is good for the environment?!

6. Plenty of events. The louder and crasser the better. Bread and circuses, you dig.

7. Maintain government secrecy. Commercial confidentiality' is the greatest perk to be applied to government, and no-one ever questions your motives. Freedom From Information is much more satisfactory than FOI: you can still get any document you require, but you can hardly expect us to disclose the contents - that would be bad for business. Remember that without censorship, things can get very confused in the public mind.

8. Silence dissent. Box the opposition into a corner, disempower independent critics, promote fear and loathing. This is paramount! Dissent must be nipped in the bud.

9. Relinquish the ability to benefit society. So long as you can't do it, people who complain appear stupid.

10. Develop a cultural side and cultivate learning. Gandhi is not the only great leader that the world has ever seen; Lee Kuan Yew, Soeharto and Mussolini each had their day too, and did it in style.

11. Develop a leadership style: arrogant, but stupid and yobbish enough to have mass appeal. Anyone could do it - if only they were enough of a bastard. Comes naturally to Real Jeff.

12. Appeal to selfishness over compassion, and then your own self-serving nature will be an asset.

It's worked so far - so have your little vote, if it cleans your conscience not to have voted for me, but at the end of the day you had better toe the line, sunshine.